When the Negotiation Table Is the Dinner Table

Only if you handle those negotiations with care, says Leigh Thompson, J. Jay Gerber Professor of Dispute Resolution and Organizations at the Kellogg School. 

“The most important thing is [that] we have a future with friends and family,” Thompson says. “These are not one-off negotiations. I’m not buying something like a house or a car, where I really am not going to see you again.” 

In a recent edition of The Insightful Leader Live webinar series, Thompson outlined the traps people fall into when they try to use business negotiation skills with their loved ones. The hazards are myriad, including escalating threats, soured relationships, and outcomes that leave all parties feeling unsatisfied.  

But if you avoid some common mistakes and shift your objectives, negotiating with friends and family can be successful. 

“Win–win is going to be more statistically likely with friends and family than in business,” Thompson says. “You just have to change your language from transactional to relational.” 

Don’t call it a negotiation 

Perhaps counterintuitively, the first mistake people make is calling their home negotiations what they are. 

“The first piece of advice I give people is, don’t use the word ‘negotiation’ when you’re talking to your spouse or to your kids, because it’s radioactive,” Thompson says. “People think of negotiation as win–lose.” 

Her advice is backed by a research study that found friends were more likely to arrive at a mutually beneficial solution when it was called a “problem-solving” exercise instead of a negotiation. It’s a loaded term that should be avoided … even when it’s accurate. 

“The minute that you use the word negotiation with somebody whom you love and you want to have a long-term relationship with, it triggers—at least subconsciously, sometimes consciously—mistrust and defensiveness,” Thompson says. 

Similarly, getting the timing right can lead to more successful outcomes. 

“In business, we use calendar invites…; at home, we ambush people,” Thompson says. “You don’t want to ambush people. Signal ‘I’d love to have a conversation. I don’t want to negotiate. I want to get in alignment with you.’” 

Don’t escalate 

In business negotiations, a key principle is the BATNA: Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. Think of it as a plan B, the action you’ll take if the parties fail to arrive at a mutual solution—an outside job offer, an alternative vendor. 

With your loved ones, these alternatives can often feel like loaded threats, and they can quickly turn into an arms race.  

“When [we’re] at home with our family and friends, when we get emotionally triggered, that’s when we’re more likely to reach for our BATNA,” Thompson says. “Then it starts to lead to this spiral.” 

To prevent this escalation, it’s important to establish shared goals at the outset of the conversation. If it drifts into ultimatums, reset towards those mutual aims. And if the discussion gets heated, reframe the emotion. 

“If you start to feel angry in a negotiation with your daughter or your husband or your friends, don’t call it anger. Express disappointment,” Thompson says. “Disappointment is a complimentary emotion, not reciprocal. Meaning that, psychologically, when a human being expresses disappointment, the person on the receiving end feels compelled to repair.” 

Don’t use side channels 

Dilemmas with friends and family often include multiple parties—a group of friends deciding where to go on vacation, for example, or a sibling dispute over what should be done with a deceased parent’s possessions.  

In these situations, side conversations can be destructive, Thompson says. Negotiating the issue with one party at a time can aggravate disagreement when all the parties eventually come together. 

“Don’t build secret coalitions,” Thompson says. “If I’m meeting with you privately and I’m getting you on board [ahead of time], then that erodes trust when my family is at the table.” 

Instead, get everyone together to discuss the issue, even if it means meeting virtually instead of in person. And establish the same guardrails as a two-party negotiation. 

“Get together and begin by articulating the shared goal,” Thompson says. Then say, “We need to have an open forum with all of us present because everything we’re talking about is built on us being honest with each other. Building that foundation where we feel like we can trust each other is super important.” 

Don’t get caught in binaries 

When friends or family members negotiate, they often start by trying to persuade the other party that their solution is the only correct one. But taking a firm “my way or the highway” approach is as doomed to fail at home as it is in business.  

“When people are negotiating with their family and friends, oftentimes they’re trying to persuade somebody in their house to do something for them,” Thompson says. “And the person that they’re targeting is saying, ‘I don’t want to be at the table with you.’ If that [mutual understanding] is not present, we’re not in a negotiation. I’m trying to persuade you.” 

To prevent this impasse, it’s wise to move from binaries to brainstorming. Coming up together with a list of possible solutions and then ranking them along axes like “good/better/best” or “cold/warm/hot” can help parties arrive at mutually acceptable terms. 

“Move the discussion away from accept and reject where a person is saying, ‘Nope, I’m not going to agree with that’ to ‘Let’s brainstorm a bunch of possibilities,’” Thompson suggests. 

The good news is that this process may be easier in your personal life than your work life. Business negotiations often revolve around a single factor, like a price or a delivery date. By contrast, disagreements with friends and family often carry multiple dimensions: financial, emotional, logistical, and so forth. 

That can make the negotiation more complex, but it can also make it more likely you will find a solution that suits everyone. 

“A negotiation can only be win–win if there’s more than one thing that we’re negotiating,” Thompson says. “The potential for something other than lose–lose or win–lose is there.”