How to Turn Your Pandemic Regrets into a Force for Good
Skip to content
Marketing Sep 7, 2021

How to Turn Your Pandemic Regrets into a Force for Good

Ruminating on all the things you didn’t accomplish? An expert on the psychology of regret explains why you should give yourself some grace.

a woman stands with her eyes closed in a forest clearing

Lisa Röper

Based on insights from

Neal J. Roese

With so many Americans pausing during the pandemic to take stock of their lives, it’s inevitable that some are sifting through uncomfortable feelings of regret.

Whether it is lamenting a suddenly stalled career, mourning a much-anticipated vacation, or grieving time lost with loved ones, it’s hard not to recall the last 18 months more for the missed opportunities than for the achievements.

“Right now may seem like a time where there’s some excitement about new jobs opening up and new opportunities,” says Neal Roese. “Yet, we’ve also been hard hit by what seems to be a lost year, a year that we can’t make up.”

Roese, a professor of marketing at the Kellogg School, is an expert in the psychology of regret, the topic of his book, If Only. He explains that regrets are a perfectly normal—even essential—part of being human. And regrets that have grown out of the pandemic’s circumstances can be a force for good if we contextualize and learn from them. However, if nurtured too long, they can have negative effects on our mental health.

Roese offers advice on how to manage pandemic regrets.

Look at the Big Picture

One of the main ways that people cope with regret is by reframing it. So if you’re feeling upset about how the past has unfolded, Roese recommends reframing your focus beyond your own experience to see the bigger picture. Regret by its very nature involves a short-term focus, where we tend to home in on a single decision, rather than a series of decisions.

And the broader context of the pandemic is that it is a once-in-a-lifetime event that has threatened the well-being of everyone across the globe. Because it has also impacted each of us so dramatically on an individual level—our jobs, families, health, and security—it is easy to lose sight of that larger view.

“Maybe, with the passage of time, we’ll be able to put it into perspective and see that this is one of the most unique, powerful, and consequential experiences that any of us will have,” Roese says. “Most major events in history are things we read about in books. But how many of us have actually lived through something as tumultuous as this?”

Pausing to take in the magnitude of the pandemic’s shared tragedy can help absolve regrets, he says.

“Giving yourself some perspective helps you understand that your experience is part of a larger system of interlocking forces and events,” he says. “It also makes moving forward easier.”

For example, if you are kicking yourself for having overspent on that delicious Saturday-night meal, it may help to take a step back and review it in the context of all of your nonnecessity purchases over the past year. The value of taking a broader view is to see more clearly how single decisions fit with your overall life priorities.

Focus on What You Can Control … and Make Peace with What You Can’t

Looking back at the trials and tribulations of the past, people often blame themselves—whether circumstances were actually under their control or not. By obscuring this distinction, people are showing a very natural, and often unconstructive, illusion of bias.

“Like the gambler who blows on the dice before rolling, we assume that we can influence results more than we can, even for random events,” Roese says.

The illusion of control is one of a set of basic cognitive biases that affect each of us. It can be useful in helping us persevere in the face of tough challenges, but it can sometimes get us into trouble. Because the illusion of control involves a biased reading of reality, it can distort how our minds reflect upon difficult situations such as our pandemic work experiences.

“Regrets generate alternative pathways and actions in our brains. They may also provide options to try in the future.”

— Neal Roese

For example, parents may feel mixed emotions, wishing they could have made different decisions to manage their job, remote schooling, and family responsibilities. But in reality, much of the burden was beyond their control—something had to give. The pandemic dealt a crushing blow to women in particular, with millions leaving the workforce as they shouldered the majority of caregiving responsibilities in the wake of school and childcare closures.

The simple recognition that the illusion of control can affect nearly all of us can be a pathway toward a reduction in self-blaming for any and every misfortune. It offers us the opportunity to reorient ourselves to those areas of life where we do have some control, such as interactions with friends, family, and close work colleagues.

“When we focus on those things that are within our control, we’re setting ourselves up for a healthier outcome,” Roese says. “If we can take some steps to correct, fix, or improve upon what we’ve been doing, we’re in a much better position.”

Look to the Future

Roese also points out that that regret does have an important upside—it can help us see how we might change things for the better going forward.

“Regrets generate alternative pathways and actions in our brains,” Roese says. “They may also provide options to try in the future.”

He advises looking to the future as much as possible. “As you take stock, it’s key to shift your thoughts from regrets to opportunities,” Roese says. “Ask yourself: Of all changes, which were the positive forces in my life? Which can I continue? If you can draw lessons, that’s the best possible outcome.”

Ruminating on the past can also inhibit people from acting. And research suggests that people tend to feel more regret when they do not try something versus when they try and the attempt doesn’t work out. So Roese has a suggestion: find one positive action you can take immediately.

For example, many professionals have felt disconnected from their work and colleagues, or insecure about their productivity. Rather than dwelling on these feelings, a positive action might be opening up to others, including colleagues, with these struggles.

“By being vulnerable and sharing a personal detail, you are forging a stronger connection with another person,” Roese says. “That’s a recipe toward greater intimacy that strengthens everyone in a working relationship.”

Acknowledge That Moving On May Be Hard

Roese cautions that we’re in a liminal moment. With the delta variant surging and the economy still uncertain, we’re not “done” with the pandemic.

Under this perceived threat, our psychological immune system switches on its defenses—and doesn’t switch them off. When a threat lingers, in other words, people get “stuck” in emotional narratives that make moving on hard.

“The pandemic multiplied this psychological experience many times over,” he says. “COVID is a long-running, slow-motion drama that makes it especially hard for us to cope.”

With emotional closure still far on the horizon, it is okay to not feel okay yet. It is also understandable that not everyone feels ready to reframe or learn from their regrets.

“With the distance of time, we can look back on an experience, see that we survived, and focus on moving forward,” says Roese. “It doesn’t feel like a lot of us have gotten there yet with COVID.

Featured Faculty

SC Johnson Chair in Global Marketing; Professor of Marketing; Professor of Psychology, Weinberg College of Arts & Sciences (Courtesy)

About the Writer

Susan Margolin is a writer based in Boston.

Most Popular This Week
  1. Sitting Near a High-Performer Can Make You Better at Your Job
    “Spillover” from certain coworkers can boost our productivity—or jeopardize our employment.
    The spillover effect in offices impacts workers in close physical proximity.
  2. Will AI Kill Human Creativity?
    What Fake Drake tells us about what’s ahead.
    Rockstars await a job interview.
  3. Podcast: How to Discuss Poor Performance with Your Employee
    Giving negative feedback is not easy, but such critiques can be meaningful for both parties if you use the right roadmap. Get advice on this episode of The Insightful Leader.
  4. 2 Factors Will Determine How Much AI Transforms Our Economy
    They’ll also dictate how workers stand to fare.
    robot waiter serves couple in restaurant
  5. How Are Black–White Biracial People Perceived in Terms of Race?
    Understanding the answer—and why black and white Americans may percieve biracial people differently—is increasingly important in a multiracial society.
    How are biracial people perceived in terms of race
  6. The Psychological Factor That Helps Shape Our Moral Decision-Making
    We all have a preferred motivation style. When that aligns with how we’re approaching a specific goal, it can impact how ethical we are in sticky situations.
    a person puts donuts into a bag next to a sign that reads "limit one"
  7. Will AI Eventually Replace Doctors?
    Maybe not entirely. But the doctor–patient relationship is likely to change dramatically.
    doctors offices in small nodules
  8. What’s at Stake in the Debt-Ceiling Standoff?
    Defaulting would be an unmitigated disaster, quickly felt by ordinary Americans.
    two groups of politicians negotiate while dangling upside down from the ceiling of a room
  9. How to Manage a Disengaged Employee—and Get Them Excited about Work Again
    Don’t give up on checked-out team members. Try these strategies instead.
    CEO cheering on team with pom-poms
  10. One Key to a Happy Marriage? A Joint Bank Account.
    Merging finances helps newlyweds align their financial goals and avoid scorekeeping.
    married couple standing at bank teller's window
  11. Why Do Some People Succeed after Failing, While Others Continue to Flounder?
    A new study dispels some of the mystery behind success after failure.
    Scientists build a staircase from paper
  12. 5 Tips for Growing as a Leader without Burning Yourself Out
    A leadership coach and former CEO on how to take a holistic approach to your career.
    father picking up kids from school
  13. Which Form of Government Is Best?
    Democracies may not outlast dictatorships, but they adapt better.
    Is democracy the best form of government?
  14. Daughters’ Math Scores Suffer When They Grow Up in a Family That’s Biased Towards Sons
    Parents, your children are taking their cues about gender roles from you.
    Parents' belief in traditional gender roles can affect daughters' math performance.
  15. Take 5: Research-Backed Tips for Scheduling Your Day
    Kellogg faculty offer ideas for working smarter and not harder.
    A to-do list with easy and hard tasks
  16. What Went Wrong at AIG?
    Unpacking the insurance giant's collapse during the 2008 financial crisis.
    What went wrong during the AIG financial crisis?
  17. Leave My Brand Alone
    What happens when the brands we favor come under attack?
  18. The Second-Mover Advantage
    A primer on how late-entering companies can compete with pioneers.
  19. Take 5: Yikes! When Unintended Consequences Strike
    Good intentions don’t always mean good results. Here’s why humility, and a lot of monitoring, are so important when making big changes.
    People pass an e-cigarette billboard
More in Marketing